Monday, April 14, 2014

Can't sleep ...

It's almost 4am and here I am wide awake as usual. The past week I have been feeling really shitty. Not that I really have felt "good" recently, but it's definitely been getting worse everyday. My fatigue is so bad. If I wanted to, I could probably sleep for 24 hours straight. My appetite is non-existant. The few times I have tried to force myself to eat, I end up running to the bathroom and vomiting within my first spoonful. I don't know how much of this is strictly kidney related, or how much is kidney and chronic rejection related. I am just hoping that some of it gets relieved a little when I finally get a kidney transplant. I know I will still be in chronic rejection, so I am not expecting miracles - but just to be able to tolerate food would be nice. I am down to 83 pounds. This is the lowest that I have ever been. Even prior to my first transplant, I was skinny but not this bad. I've decided to give up on school for now. At this point in my life, a higher degree would be nice, but it isn't necessary. I have so little time when I feel good lately - that I would just rather spend that time doing something fun with Joey or my family - and not having to stress about what readings and what papers I have to do for school. I'm an RN already. I have a job that is willing to take me back whenever I am ready and feel well enough to work. School was something that I thought would be a good distraction from everything else that's going on - but it really has just been more of a stressor for me. My lungs are failing and my kidneys are shutting down. I am slowly dying and it's scary as hell. I am really hoping that come next year, this period of my life will just be a bad bump in the road that I had to get through to become healthy again. However, I am realistic and I know that I may not get anymore miracles. I may not make it. I'm going to be 30 in less than two weeks - and all I want is to feel good. I don't care about material things. Everyone keeps asking me what I want for my birthday, but what I want isn't something that can be bought. I want to be healthy, I want a long future with my husband. I want to grow old and have a baby and buy a house and do everything that I've ever dreamed of. NONE of that right now can happen unless I get a new kidney and new lungs.

2 comments:

LISA MARIAA said...

im so sorry katy to hear this im a nurse as well and know how incredible of a person you must be especially caring for little neonates, and I can only tell you to have faith and stay strong, god is good and im praying for you, hold on and keep fighting, there is nothing more powerful in this world then love and you sound like a strong intelligent young woman sending love and prayers your way wishing you health and happiness

Carla Martin said...

I'm so sorry to hear you're not doing good Katy. I'll be thinking of you in this terribly hard time. I don't know you personally but I know you're strong, you have to be to have gone through everything you've already been through. You'll pull through this. Be positive and take in lots of love from those around you who are sending it your way. I'm sending mine. You deserve all the best and way more miracles. There are no limits. Praying for you,
Carla :)