Monday, April 14, 2014
It's almost 4am and here I am wide awake as usual. The past week I have been feeling really shitty. Not that I really have felt "good" recently, but it's definitely been getting worse everyday. My fatigue is so bad. If I wanted to, I could probably sleep for 24 hours straight. My appetite is non-existant. The few times I have tried to force myself to eat, I end up running to the bathroom and vomiting within my first spoonful. I don't know how much of this is strictly kidney related, or how much is kidney and chronic rejection related. I am just hoping that some of it gets relieved a little when I finally get a kidney transplant. I know I will still be in chronic rejection, so I am not expecting miracles - but just to be able to tolerate food would be nice. I am down to 83 pounds. This is the lowest that I have ever been. Even prior to my first transplant, I was skinny but not this bad. I've decided to give up on school for now. At this point in my life, a higher degree would be nice, but it isn't necessary. I have so little time when I feel good lately - that I would just rather spend that time doing something fun with Joey or my family - and not having to stress about what readings and what papers I have to do for school. I'm an RN already. I have a job that is willing to take me back whenever I am ready and feel well enough to work. School was something that I thought would be a good distraction from everything else that's going on - but it really has just been more of a stressor for me. My lungs are failing and my kidneys are shutting down. I am slowly dying and it's scary as hell. I am really hoping that come next year, this period of my life will just be a bad bump in the road that I had to get through to become healthy again. However, I am realistic and I know that I may not get anymore miracles. I may not make it. I'm going to be 30 in less than two weeks - and all I want is to feel good. I don't care about material things. Everyone keeps asking me what I want for my birthday, but what I want isn't something that can be bought. I want to be healthy, I want a long future with my husband. I want to grow old and have a baby and buy a house and do everything that I've ever dreamed of. NONE of that right now can happen unless I get a new kidney and new lungs.